I wrote the book I couldn't find.

EXCERPT

Introduction...

Challenging the myth that if we’re strong, no one can ‘make you feel bad’ 

In a world where we are encouraged to take responsibility for our feelings, develop emotional intelligence and self-awareness, there is a school of thought that no one else can ‘make us’ feel a certain way, and that we are responsible for our own feelings. 

This is true, but not if we’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

Even the strongest among us with full accountability for how they feel and who don’t blame other people for their moods or emotions can have their self-belief and self-worth eroded by a perpetual tide of criticism and unkindness.

Being repeatedly faced with hurtful actions by someone who is supposed to love us is a form of psychological manipulation. Few can withstand this type of emotional assault for very long. It is a violation of what we expect from normal human codes of intimate relationships (and professional relationships for that matter), and is akin to psychological warfare. 

If you think that you are in an abusive relationship, it’s not because you are weak, damaged or hardwired to attract the wrong people. It is simply that you trusted someone who was supposed to love and care for you. You don’t deserve to be treated badly and the situation is not your fault.

I do believe there are some factors that may lead some of us to over-give of ourselves and be slower to spot or tolerate bad behaviour, and I share my thoughts – and research findings – on this at the end of this book. But for now, let’s consider the red flags and what to do about them.

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Part 2 

What constitutes a red flag?

Red flags are behaviours that act as a warning, and we often feel them in our gut. They can manifest as mild gnawing or lurching sensations, or you may feel a sense of panic, a tightening in your chest or throat. It’s these trigger feelings that alert us that something about this person and their behaviour, is amiss. 

I believe everyone can spot red flags and instinctively knows when something their partner says or does feels ‘off’. But we don’t always act on it. Many of the red flags we pick up seem too subtle or insignificant to warrant action. Even though we may be aware of these inner warning signals, the issues don’t seem big enough to warrant throwing away the relationship or making a big deal out of them.

But in fact, it’s precisely these smaller, subtler signs that are the problem. If someone is shouting or name calling, it becomes quite clear that there's something wrong. It's easier to identify that as outright abuse, and potentially easier to leave. What is tricky – and what this book addresses –  is that grey area of seemingly small and insignificant behaviours that don’t quite seem big enough to make us leave, yet still leave us feeling uneasy and unsure. 

What follows is an overview of 21 relationship red flags, compiled from my personal stories and shared experiences from women around the world. 

About the red flags in this book

The list isn’t in order of priority or importance, and the first red flags on the list don’t necessarily correlate to the first warning signs to appear in a relationship.

Some of these red flags are common to almost all unhealthy relationships but they may not resonate with your own personal experience. Indeed, some of these red flags may not resonate at all, especially if you are simply dating someone and not co-habiting.

For example, you might not be privy to the full extent of your partner’s financial situation if you are in the early stages of dating. Similarly, the red flag of ‘Little Rules’ may appear quite early on, although equally, it may never materialise at all. ‘Checking in’ with you (thinly disguised as ‘checking up’ on you), may also appear fairly early on, although some have experienced the very opposite, where their partner doesn’t seem to care where they are or what they are doing.

Many of the red flags also apply to the behaviour of family members, friends, bosses and co-workers.

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